3:28 – Been listening to Joe Esposito’s ‘You’re the Best’ for last 24 hours while writing Oscars jokes. Now it’s Alan Parsons Project’s ‘Sirius.’
3:29 – How does Tampax not have naming rights on the red carpet yet?
3:49 – Kelly Osbourne is to “stylish” as Viola Davis is to “fair-skinned.”
3:52 – (Last tweet wasn’t to discount Kelly Osbourne entirely– if not for her, I wouldn’t know about the secret lunch menu at Macy’s.)
3:57 – BREAKING: Stacy Keibler will be awarded an honorary Oscar for exemplary seat-filling. It’s shaped like George Clooney’s penis.
4:10 – Glenn Close totally stole her red carpet look from the War Horse.
4:32 – Cheers to Sacha Baron Cohen for coming to Oscars as his Dictator character. Jennifer Lopez coming as Jennifer Lopez is far more revolting.
4:37 – Speaking of her assiness, Jennifer Lopez belongs at the Oscars like Mel Gibson belongs at my temple’s Yom Kippur services.
4:53 – Poor Viola Davis & Octavia Spencer, they have to hang outside and roll up the red carpet after everyone’s seated inside. :(
5:08 – I’m just glad Jonah Hill’s getting fat again, therefore funnier. Was starting to think he was losing weight to play Steve Jobs.
5:15 – Brad Pitt’s popularity must be based on him being a genuinely cool dude who’s managed to survive dating both Aniston & Angelina.
5:25 – I didn’t get an invitation to Kim Kardashian’s Oscar party because it’s black guy only. :(
5:37 – If you’re 18-24 and listen to Justin Bieber, just off yourself now. No, seriously. I’ll pause this.
5:40 – One Best Picture nom: silent movie; another: 3D movie about silent movies. This year’s Oscar theme: “a century of Hollywood blowing itself.”
5:42 – “Billy Crystal” would be a perfect name for a new kind of meth in Breaking Bad‘s final season.
5:48 – I already miss guessing how many Oscars could fit in Anne Hathaway’s mouth.
5:55 – Since no one cares about costume design, there’s this: I’ve had sex in Jennifer Lopez’ hot tub AND shat in several of her bathrooms.
5:57 – Jennifer Lopez’ face was reupholstered by Louis Vuitton and Camerom Diaz’ is by Goodyear.
6:02 – J-Lo’s areola is one thing, but how did Oscar censors fail to notice that swollen vagina in Hilary Swank’s neck?
6:09 – IRAN? For real? Fucking left-wing Hollywood liberal fucks. THE FUCK?!
6:10 – If the Oscar folks really want to shake things up, they’ll give Supporting Actress to the white girl from The Help and not Octavia Spencer.
6:11 – Been dating a girl for a little over a week, and I’ve now told her I’d drop her in a heartbeat for Bérénice Bejo.
6:12 – Once again, Christian Bale fails to address Oscars audience in his awful Batman voice– exactly why he’ll NEVER be the Batman Val Kilmer was.
6:13 – Angelina Jolie is smiling because she’s already filed the necessary paperwork to adopt Octavia Spencer.
6:25 – My Oscar for editing goes to any editor who can get this ceremony over with in the next hour.
6:28 – Hugo ended up being one of my favorite movies of 2011, despite my initial disappointment it wasn’t about the fat guy from LOST.
6:35 – Cirque du Sogay.
6:38 – If I wanted to watch trippy movie montages all night, I’d smoke pot and watch epic fails set to death metal on YouTube.
6:44 – BEST DOCUMENTARY, BRO! EPIC! JAGER BOMBS!
6:46 – If Undefeated had lost Best Documentary, I probably wouldn’t even bother illegally downloading it later.
6:56 – Thus far, my favorite part of this Oscars is the title cards for the nominees. Sadly, that wasn’t a joke. They look fantastic.
7:00 – Melissa Leo didn’t know that as an Oscar winner from last year, she automatically got to present this year. She ran a full campaign anyway.
7:05 – Nick Nolte isn’t clapping for Christopher Plummer, he’s clapping for Octavia Spencer. Takes that long for his brain to send signals.
7:08 – Once again, here’s the guy who should’ve won the Oscar. (He’s older than Christopher Plummer in dog years.)
7:17 – Last year, Gwyneth Paltrow sang into a dildo at the Oscars. Having the Muppets sing tonight would’ve provided some much-needed credibility.
7:18 – Madonna just threw a £2500 bottle of wine at her TV.
7:20 – Finally, some goddamn goosebumps. So insanely glad to see Bret McKenzie & Jason Segel win that one. Such a cute song.
7:27 – Angelina looks like she got hit pretty hard in the face with Brad’s Moneyballs.
7:31 – Seeing Nat Faxon up there with an Oscar is surreal. Congrats to one funny guy, even if he wasn’t introduced as “Fro from ‘DJ and the Fro.'”
7:34 – Hey, Precious– you’d probably be an alcoholic too, if you only had one foot. Well, lighter, at least.
7:43 – With ‘The Shore’ winning Live Action Short, Snooki is finally on the board in her Oscar pool!
7:55 – Congrats to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on his first directing Oscar win! (Easier to spell than Hazanavicius.)
8:00 – OSCAR FACT: James Earl Jones, Dick Smith, and Oprah Winfrey are all nicknames I’ve given my penis at one point.
8:07 – In Memoriam was beautiful; generally my favorite part of any Oscar telecast. Really miss Peter Falk.
8:10 – Oh yeah, Steve Jobs DID have a bit part in Lethal Weapon 3! RIP.
8:12 – Precious is back! And says she “doesn’t get to see enough of herself.” LOL!
8:14 – If only these “What movies mean to you” segments consisted of only Patton Oswalt.
8;14 – Do the laugh, Natalie! Do the laugh! I SAID DO THE FUCKING LAUGH!
8;15 – If George has ever deserved a lead Oscar, it’s for The Descendants– his least Clooney-esque performance yet. Vulnerable and heartbreaking.
8:20 – Clooney may have been robbed, but we all knew this would be The Artist‘s night; it’s deserved. (SPOILER: also wins Best Picture.)
8:24 – “I’d totally slob on Albert’s Nobb.” –No women (I really, really hope)
8:27 – Wait, that was Glenn Close in Albert Nobbs? Crap, I hope Conan O’Brien didn’t already sign that poster I mailed him…
8:29 – 17 nominations? Meryl Streep needs a bigger challenge. Let’s see her play Chris Brown.
8:30 – Welp, looks like Michelle Williams is gonna crawl in bed with bag of fun size Heath bars tonight.
8:32 – If anyone gets a pass for ruining Black History Month, it’s Meryl Streep.
8:33 – The Descendants teaches us that women who cheat on George Clooney with Matthew Lillard deserve to die in comas after jetski crashes.
8:34 – In case it doesn’t win, The Descendants will be given Best White People Problems Movie by the cast of The Kids Are All Right.
8:35 – Albeit sad & full of 9/11 references, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close was a jarring, honest depiction of banging Fran Drescher.
8:36 – Does the Best Picture winner get to take home an Oscar or a Tom Cruise?
8:36 – I’ll be masturbating exclusively to the soundtrack from The Artist from now on, thank you very much!
8:44 – Artist director Michel Hazanavicius closing by thanking Billy Wilder three times makes an otherwise forgettable Oscars worthwhile. Classy.
8:54 – Hollywood Reporter already Hollywood reporting Harvey Weinstein will rerelease The Artist in five years with sound, color & in 3D.
9:00 – Meryl Streep has already been nominated for a BET Hip Hop Award for “Iron Lady 2: The Remix.”
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